So once again, while sitting in the arm chair talking to my friend the Grim Squeaker (the death of rats) I got over my beloved BBM a message from my good friend Bigglybobblyboo all about, and get this, “32 Common problems with iOS7 and how to fix them”
Well, this was a weighty tome indeed! So I pondered over the issues for the iPhonians whilst relaxing at work…
And can you fix them? Hmm, what do you think? Well, some, but not all of them!
Here is a list of them, no solutions added from the Source, I’ve put my own or why this problem exists (possibly, Don’t quote me on these!)
Problem: Unable to send email
Still sending your previous emails…..to the NSA
Bug: Disappearing contacts
Being compiled into a list for you……and the NSA
Bug: White screen of death
It’s broke, get a proper phone!
Problem: Can’t make or receive calls
NSA bug malfunction, restart phone to reboot bug
Glitch: Keyboard is orientated the wrong way
NSA have taken over control, normal service will resume shortly. Once they have got what they want (see iBeacon)
Bug: Control Panel and Notification Center don’t appear
Being updated…..by …. you know who!
Glitch: Stuck on Apple logo
NSA app being updated (cough)
Problem: Rapid battery drain
It does use a lot of power to resend all photo’s emails and call’s etc to a 3rd party….. namely……its getting old now……
Bug: Wi-Fi and Bluetooth not working
Not sure on this one but it does bode well for iBeacon!
Problem: Keyboard lag
Bloody awful keyboard from the word go and you’ve put up with it this long so why complain?
Oh, and the NSA have slowed you down as they are busy deciphering your autocorrects…
Bug: iTunes Store keeps crashing
Doesn’t it always? Rock on! Er….
Bug: iMessage or FaceTime not working
NSA not connected properly to your end so can’t connect you to your contacts.
Normal service will be resumed when they are sure they can see who you are talking to.
Really? Whats new? Thought you’d be so used to this by now that you wouldn’t report it as a bug?
Bug: There Is A Crazy Way To Bypass The Lock Screen
Ask the NSA to remove this bug, it’s a security issue after all.
Problem: Apps keep logging you out
….and logging into another database to upload your scores….and other information
Bug: Loads of unread emails
They;ve been resent back to you from NSA
Problem: iPhone won’t turn on
Flat battery dumb ass! You honestly disconnected it from the wall??
Ha! It doesn’t work like that for more than 10 minutes!
Annoyance: Motion Sickness
Get off the iBoat, your mother always said you got sea sick walking over a bridge!
Glitch: Speaker not working
Turn the volume up! the NSA cant hear you!
Glitch: Media controls not working
No idea on this one! Just a thought though, perhaps its because your iPhone is rubbish?
Glitch: Receiving someone else’s messages or contacts
NSA bug not working properly, please forward to NSA or anyone else you think may want to read them! After all, everyone else is doing it to your messages!
Problem: Can’t send text messages
Still trying to bulk send to someone you don’t know, have no knowledge of and have never met.
Bug: Can’t download app updates
NSA dont want them fixed.
Problem: Charger or cable won’t work
Buy a new one, not a cheap one or Apple will have you electrocuted.
Problem: Camera not working
Still sending live video to NSA
Problem: Hate the new calendar app
Tough really, Mr Cook likes it so you will too! Oh yes, you’ll like it…
Problem: Can’t scale or move wallpapers
Why, oh, why, would you want to? Just have a nice Apple logo….. with built in subliminal messages
Problem: Home button or Sleep/Wake button not responsive
Broken, spend a fortune getting it fixed
Glitch: Ringer volume too low
Turn up iHearing Aid
Glitch: Refreshing apps after switch
Switch to what? Just press the back button and… Oh, that’s right, its not got a back button….ya screwed on that one then
Problem: Unresponsive touchscreen
Is it cracked like any other iPhone that’s been dropped from more than 2cm?
Problem: App downloads appear stuck on “Waiting”
They are waiting for clearence from the NSA to download latest update, and upload any new information you might have.
Come on! seriously! if a phone has 32 problems like this then WHY OH WHY do you still use it?
Buy a new one!
Now, my brethren, don’t be thinking that I’m telling you to buy a BlackBerry, I’m telling you to do some research, not in phone shops because they will tell you what they are being paid to tell you, go to INDEPENDENT websites and forums and ask questions, work out for YOURSELF what is important, for goodness sake, don’t be a sheep! don’t follow the flock!
Your trusty Reverend is preaching the path of individual freedom. Be your own person, look at other peoples experiences and ask them, would it hurt you to do so?
Only in the sense that you would be tearing yourself away from the false path that the iPreachers have been spinning you.
Stand up and shed your isheeps clothing! Become the wolf!
Here endeth today’s lesson in 32 parts….
Remember to hit me up on my BBMC channel c000117D3 on Twitter @crapplebashing or on utbblog.com/forum
Rev. Grim out!
Oh, and if you are an iPhonian and desperate to find out that you can’t fix all these anyway, click below.
Goodnight, my children…