How Would An Apple Car Perform?

Early Car, with Man with a Flag

With rumours abound that Apple are to buy Tesla (ironically the place many Apple employees have escaped to – welcome back!) the tech press have begun to speculate on what an Apple car would look like or, more importantly, how it would perform.

PC Mag thought they had the answer with this, a product supreme of the iPhonian dream that they really DO make things that work properly:

You don’t need to be an insider to know that Apple doesn’t introduce a product to the world until it fits its definition of perfection.


However, with their track record with the Mac and iPhone, this, from The Guardian, seems a lot more likely…


But could Apple really do it? The company is certainly in the business of making desirable hardware sold at comfortable margins, but that might not translate.

After all, going by Apple’s track record, there are likely to be some speed bumps in the way.

1. The first model will crash, a lot

Everyone knows the advice with Apple products: skip the first generation. The iPod, iPhone, and iPad were all slightly lacklustre, and the first release of the software is generally crash-prone. Fine in an MP3 player; not so good on a highway.

2. The antenna won’t pick up radio (but it’s all your fault)

Are you sure you aren’t just holding the steering wheel wrong? But don’t worry, it’ll soon turn out that other car companies have exactly the same problem, it’s just no one reads their manuals.

3. Bono will be on the stereo, whether you like him or not

You don’t understand, it’s a gift from Tim Cook. A gift which will have you frantically searching through user forums trying to work out how to regift it, and permanently afraid of shuffling songs lest U2’s gentle croons assault you again.

4. It’ll cost twice as much as a Google car that’s also a bit bigger

Meanwhile, people who actually prefer a more compact car will be left high and dry by the ongoing wars to sell the biggest car possible, as Silicon Valley forgets yet again that not everyone is like them.

5. There will be a social network to let you share your favourite drives

It’ll be called “Vroom”. No-one will use it, it will fail almost instantly, and if you mention its name a few years later, even Apple will feign ignorance.

6. The built-in GPS will be Apple Maps

Good luck!

7. After three years software updates will make it slow to a crawl

Don’t say “planned obsolescence” though. And really you should be thankful – other cars don’t upgrade their operating system at all.

8. It’ll bend badly if you drive it wearing skinny hipster jeans

In, like, three cases ever. But the media will be all over them.

9. You’ll be able to buy a solid gold version

At least until the first drivers realise that such a car would struggle to overcome its own inertia, and be unable to support its own weight, trapping the occupant inside an expensive, shiny coffin.

10. And of course … the battery will run out by 4pm every day

But it’s fine, because you’ll be able to plug it into your in-car charger … um …

I think it’s fair to say The Guardian are nearer the mark, although they missed one…

It’ll cost a fortune and lots of people will excuse the fact it doesn’t work properly at all.


Bigglybobblyboo is a legend almost nowhere at all. He is a founder member of UTB and spends his spare time taking out his anger at the world with a fishfork and a spatula. He is also a Cribbage Master, having won 1 fight online as the other guy refused to turn up out of fear for his life.