How Bankers Are Keeping Apple Afloat

iphone sperm china 4

China is a big deal to Apple. The prospect of the iPhone selling in any kind of quantity there is what is keeping Apple going since the company is 75% reliant on it’s shiny monstrosity. But with the sudden collapse in the Chinese middle class, with the economy stuttering and share prices collapsing, what will save them now?

The answer, it seems, is sperm banks.

Yes, it’s true. After some poor soul sold a kidney in China to afford an iPhone (if only we could have had the chance to tell him there was more longevity and functionality with the kidney) a sperm bank in China is offering a once in a, er, evening, chance to get your, er, hands on a piece of 2012.

According to Chinese site Xinhuanet, it’s all the, er, rage…

“To sell a kidney” has become a well-known metaphor for the fever pitch surrounding Apple products. It was coined after a teenager made headlines for selling one of his kidneys to buy an iPhone and an iPad in 2011.

A sperm bank in central China’s Hubei Province posted a similar ad highlighting a picture of the new rose gold iPhone 6s, a color created mainly to attract Chinese consumers.

The Shanghai ad is bluntly titled “New Solution to Get iPhone 6s”, evoking some criticism that the sperm bank is being insensitive.

Be warned though iPhonians, you need to be up to the job…

Those who qualify to donate can receive up to 6,000 yuan for 17 ml of semen. The latest Apple model is expected to cost around 5,288 yuan.

An iPhonian? 17ml? Hardly likely.

However, this has led to much speculation as to exactly how female iPhonian wannabes can, er, jump on board and exactly how Timmy and co will gauge the success of this incredible offer, as reported by zerohedge.com:

It was not exactly clear how potential female consumers of iPhone are supposed to capitalize on this latest Chinese craze, and while there are countless, and very humorous, places one can take this latest manifestation of capitalism perhaps gone too far, one potential Chinese “channel check” may have appeared: masturbation as a leading indicator of iPhone sales. Because just when sales were starting to turn flaccid, here comes China’s sperm-for-iPhones Hail Mary, promising at least several more quarters of firm stock reactions to EPS beats.

So THAT’S what Force Touch in iOS9 (currently breaking around 20% of iDevices near you) was for!

I really was wondering…

By the way, I must get that ‘W’ key fixed. Keeps typing ‘B’s.

Did I miss any corrections?

Bigglybobblyboo

Bigglybobblyboo is a legend almost nowhere at all. He is a founder member of UTB and spends his spare time taking out his anger at the world with a fishfork and a spatula. He is also a Cribbage Master, having won 1 fight online as the other guy refused to turn up out of fear for his life.

  • ray689

    Bwahahahaha. Sucks for the guy who could only produce 16ML not to mention the person in charge or weights and measurements to confirm prize winners. A true Apple set up if i’ve ever seen one.

  • ¥6000 for 17ml? The average volume is around 3.4ml, so some “intermediate storage” would definitely have to be involved….

  • Martin

    What exactly are the Chinese doing with the sperm?

    locco_smiley_31

    • Robert

      Creating new customers locco_smiley_35

  • BB Racer !!

    Forget Apple P/E ratio or Cash! Apple is a 35-40% margin story of one product called the iPhone. If those margins compress lookout below !

  • Anthony

    It could be a ploy to spread the iSheep gene. locco_smiley_39

  • TRUENORTH

    This gives new meaning to the phrase ‘coming to a store near you’. I was blissfully unaware until reading this article that owning an i-phone could be such a ‘hands-on’ experience. I am sure that you will all be relieved to know that even I will not venture to use the phrase ‘beating around the bush’. Although I might mention my neighbour who recently dropped his i-phone in the water, is a masterful fisherman and was able to hook the phone and get it back aboard. He is known locally as a master baiter. ( I know. A long way to go for that one)

  • Canuckvoip

    I dunno man… the newer models have bigger screens. Hardly conducive to one handed use.
    Fapple strikes again!

  • WigglyWobblyWoo! Are you sure it’s the Bankers keeping crApple afloat and not the Wankers?!?

    Oh well. This is outrageous. I guess the girls can go out and “harvest” some donations from the guys to be sold for an iPhone so they can get one too.

    Frankly, this whole situation is simultaneously sad, unbelievable and actually, repugnant.

    So glad the Z30 was BlackBerry’s last phone so I know BlackBerry isn’t involved in this distasteful situation.

    • Berry_Goooood

      James, you do realize that BBRY has released at least 3 phones since the Z30 (ie. Leap, Classic, and Passport), right?

      • BerryGoood. Sorry. I was hearkening back to a time on the orange site when Biggs put a troll in his place and that reminded me of another troll who adamantly claimed the Z30 would be BlackBerry’s last device. I was fooling around and being sarcastic.

        I have the Classic and really want Verizon to carry the Passport and am hoping for a BB10 Venice.

        • Berry_Goooood

          James – my apologies. I should have known you were mocking some dumb fool. My favorites are the morons that claimed BBRY would be dead after the Q10 and Z10 releases..

  • Canuckvoip
  • KING_Kia

    Apple’s App Store targeted by malware in China
    http://www.marketwatch.com/story/apples-app-store-targeted-by-malware-in-china-2015-09-21

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  • Poita316

    So in short, the iPhone is a Phone for wankers.

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